


Breathe

by sugarblossom



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, more hurt than comfort tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22943668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarblossom/pseuds/sugarblossom
Summary: After the Kalos Crisis, Ash goes to Iron Island to relax. Too bad he can't.
Relationships: Gen | Riley & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum & Satoshi's Pikachu | Ash Ketchum's Pikachu
Comments: 11
Kudos: 110





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> TW: panic attack

Ash blankly stared off to the side. He shut his eyes. He opened them. He dipped in and out between darkness and redness, hands brushing against Pikachu’s fur before yawning.

“...sh- Ash!”

Ash startled awake, eyes screaming at the bright sunlight as he sat up. “I’m awake!” Hands brushing against the ground, Ash stared up at Riley, who knelt next to him. Biting his lip, Ash winced when a coppery taste filled his mouth. “Ah. Hey Riley!” He froze, taking a deep breath. How was he going to explain this? Pikachu glanced between the two, greeting Riley with a wave.

Riley reached forward, tilting Ash’s chin up. Ash glanced off as Riley stared at him, wiping away the streak of blood. Ash gulped, heart skipping a beat when Riley sported a dangerous smile. “Who did this to you?” Riley whispered, voice slightly trembling with anger. Pikachu’s ears perked up in alarm.

Ash put his hands out, shaking his head when Riley’s eyes glowed blue. “Oh no no, you’ve got it wrong, no one did this to me! I think.” Riley’s aura lashed out, and Ash wince. “Don’t worry about it! I was just sleeping!”

“Are you kidding- Do you have an internal wound? If someone like you has a wound, how serious-”

Ash stood up, brushing the dirt off of himself. “Riley, I appreciate the concern, but I’m really not hurt!” Pikachu clung to Ash’s leg. Riley got up, aura still flickering in anger but dimming down when he felt that Ash was telling the truth. “So… how are you doing? It’s been a while since we met here, hasn’t it?”

“I’m doing better than you, and that’s not good.” Riley crossed his arms as Ash’s aura showed annoyance before guilt. “Even if you’re not hurt physically, your aura is still on edge.” Ash fidgeted with the edge of his sweater, a grin on his face. “...Why did you come here anyway?”

A flicker of panic shot through Ash’s aura as Ash shrugged. “I wanted some time alone with Pikachu, and I simply wandered here!” He glanced down at Pikachu. They stared at each other for a moment, before Pikachu climbed up to Ash’s shoulder. Riley watched Ash pace back and forth with furrowed eyebrows.

_ Oh Arceus not again ok Ash, you can’t let Riley know. You can’t let him see you like that. Your hand’s trembling. Make it stop. Just act like you’re fine, it’ll all blow over soon. _

“Wait a second, why don’t we start from the beginning?”

“It all started with Arceus or Mew-!”

“Ash.”

_ Why did I say that. You knew what he meant, Ash. What is wrong with you. _

Ash chuckled, shrugging. “It all started in Pallet Town-!” Pikachu’s ears twitched in exasperation.

“Ahem.”

_ Ahhhh Ash what is wrong with you what is wrong with you what is wrong with- _

“Sorry sorry, after we met, we saw a Deoxys, went to Chocovine Town, made friends with a Phione, Dawn won the Chocovine Contest, she’s a really amazing friend, by the way, then we went to Snowpoint City, well we saw a Froslass first, and there was that pokeringer thingy, Mamoswine started to obey Dawn-” Ash paused for a breath, still pacing back and forth in front of a confused Riley “-We saw a Snover, Dawn’s Piplup not wanting to evolve, there was another contest, ping pong, Marilyn,  _ then _ we arrived in Snowpoint City, I think I won the badge there the first time, Paul, Regis, Looker investigating-” Ash froze. He tried to keep ranting. “Uh, I lost to Paul, something about Verona, the pokemon hustle…” He spluttered, eyes darting back and forth. “I can’t remember, the festival battle challenge? I think we met Lyra and Khoury? Then they left? There was that time Pikachu and Piplup got stuck together, and-” Ash shut his mouth. Pikachu worriedly glanced at Ash.

_ Rescuing Looker. Fuego Ironworks. Jupiter. Galactic. Cynthia. Lake Guardians. Cyrus. Galactic. Dialga and Palkia. Galactic. Cyrus. Galactic. Galactic. Galactic- _

“How about just giving me a brief outline of what you’ve done?” Ash was silent. Pikachu’s ears wilted. “Ok, where did you go after Sinnoh?” Riley asked, wincing when Ash had trouble gulping down his fear. “Do you need water?” Pikachu deadpanned at Riley, nodding.

“Oh, no, it’s fine! I went to Unova after Sinnoh. I met Iris and Cilan there, saw a bunch of pokemon, helped some people and pokemon, participated in the league, yeah. Top eight.” Ash stopped pacing, rubbing the side of his arm. Riley blinked. Ash sensed Riley’s awkwardness and reassuringly grinned, randomly gesturing. “Then Kalos!” Pikachu nuzzled Ash’s cheek.

“Oh.”

_ Was that a good oh? Bad oh? It was probably a bad oh. Why? What did I say wrong? What have I done?  _

“Yeah! Kalos! I met Serena and Clemont and Bonnie there! I battled all the gyms, made some rivals, you know, the usual!” Ash awkwardly chuckled, stroking Pikachu’s back to calm himself. “Yeah, I almost won the league this time, but I didn’t. And here we are.” Riley raised an eyebrow. Ash pursed his dry lips. Pikachu stared between the two humans with a blank expression.

_ Does he know? No, he can’t! Oh Arceus you can’t let him know anything you don’t want to be a burden you have to deal with this yourself- _

“You were at the Crisis, weren’t you?” Riley murmured. Eyes widening in alarm, Pikachu curled around Ash’s neck.

Ash took a sharp breath. “I’m ok-”

“You’re not ok.” Ash’s aura shot out for a moment, only proving Riley’s point.

_ He knows he knows he knows how does he know he knows about- No no no he can’t know about that- _

“Can you leave me be for a moment? I need some fresh air.” Pikachu chirped in denial, and Riley stared at them. 

_ Why did I say that. He clearly knows. What are you doing, Ash, you’re- no- why- _

“Only when I’m sure you’re going to be alright.” 

Ash’s heart raced like beating to the sound of thunder. “Well I am, alright?!” he snapped, startling himself even more than Riley. “Oh Arceus I’m sorry I didn’t mean to lash out I’m so sorry I’m…” He blankly stared off into the distance. Pikachu lightly headbutted at Ash, but he didn’t react.

_ See, this is what you do, Ash, ruin everything. You wanted to make friends with Riley, and now you can’t. How could he stick around after seeing- I just- shut up shut up shut up- Dying- Red- Lys- Focus, Ash! You can’t have another- _

“It’s alright,” Riley said, watching Ash surreptitiously shift from rubbing his temples to wiping his eyes. “Hey Ash?” Ash met eyes with him, immediately glancing off, wiping his hands on his vest. “What’s going on?”

“I just- I’m- Back-”

Riley reached out and held Ash’s arm, despite Pikachu hissing at him. 

_ There’s- whoa, I- No room- _

Ash shook his head, lightly shoving Riley, who seemed hesitant to do anything. Ash’s aura flared out, his whole body both numb and tingling, like being hit with a thunderbolt. His vision blurred for a moment. 

“Is this about Lysandre?” Ash and Pikachu both froze. Pikachu immediately leaped at Riley before down onto the ground.

_...Lysandre.  _

“Ash, your aura- You can’t control it, can you?” Riley held both of Ash’s arms, blinking when Pikachu clung to his leg, shaking his head. The knot in Ash’s stomach tightened, the tightness in his chest knotted.

_ Why- Thoughts- No- They’re- Are they? I just- I can’t- What the- Wait wait wait I- _

Ash blurted, “Off!” It was like Ash was seeing himself in a dream as he frantically shoved Riley off, his aura biting at Riley like a Seviper. Pikachu dragged his feet against the ground, trying to keep Riley away from his trainer.

Riley’s panic overwhelmed Ash for only a second, but it was enough.

_ Where’s- Control yourself, Ash! You’re supposed to- You have to- Should- Arceus, everyone hates you, why did you- _

Tears welled up in Ash’s eyes. He was silent. Even if he tried, he couldn’t say anything. He felt as if his head was wrapped in cotton. Was this a dream? Ash gripped his arms, breathing quickly. The world around him had a fuzzy black tint to it as if filmed by an old camera. Ash stared at Riley, but he himself didn’t feel like he was doing that. It was… awkward. Pikachu sweatdropped, a worried expression in his eyes.

“Ash are you- Please don’t faint on me, well, not because I can’t handle- Well, I sort of can’t- No that doesn’t help, I’m fine if you faint- I’m not, but- Just don’t faint, alright?” Riley said, wincing when Ash’s breathing got even fainter. Pikachu used his tail to whack at Riley’s leg. “Ack, I’m sorry!” 

The world was filmed in slow motion. The sounds were the opposite. The world couldn’t catch up. Ash felt like there was a glass wall between him and Riley. He was trapped. Ash could hear his breath quicken. He fidgeted with the edge of his cap. He ran a hand through his hair. 

Why does it feel like his timeline of memories was warped? When did Kalos happen? Recently, right? Why does it feel like… The world swirled around him.

_ Act natural, why don’t- what- you can’t- Lysan- Please please please- _

“ _ Please _ , Ash! What can I do to help?” Riley’s aura flickered wildly, but he tried to keep it down. Ash didn’t need that sort of stress right now! “Uh, stare- no wait, you’re already doing that.” Ash doesn’t react. “Look at that Lairon over there!” Ash doesn’t react. “Can you picture, I don’t know, picture a beach?” Ash doesn’t react. “Ok no, you know I’m just trying to temporarily distract you, huh? ...What do I  _ do _ ??? Breathing exercises? Imagine your stomach is a balloon?”

Pikachu facepawed before watching Ash sway on his feet with worried eyes. 

_I’m- You’re actually going- It’s gonna- Heart- Forever- Crazy- Don’t- Dying- What if- Lysandre- red. Red._ _Red._ **_Red._** **_Danger danger danger._**

Ash’s vision flashed red. Everywhere he looked was coated in a layer of red. Everything he looked at was  _ coated in a layer of red _ . Even when closing his eyes, the sunlight caused everything to be  _ coated in a layer of red. _ His thoughts looped like a record that won’t stop skipping.

“It’s alright!” Ash flinched. “There’s nothing you need to worry about-” Riley started, internally screaming when Ash frantically shook his head, making himself dizzy. “Should I leave?” Pikachu snarled at Riley, standing between him and his trainer. Ash’s eyes widened.

_ Leave? He wants to- Is that- Should- I’m- Lose- What if- Ash! It’s- Wrong wrong wrong! Monster! Out out out! No here want bad if- Arceus, Ash! Lysandre’s gonna- He can’t- No no no no no! Don’t come close- Don’t be- Don’t touch me- _

Riley gulped when Ash scratched lines on his arms, tears overflowing on Ash’s face. “Ash-” The lines Ash clawed began to bleed, but his aura almost immediately healed them. He sat down, gasping for air. He immediately stood up back, pacing in a circle while shivering. He stopped after a moment, only staring between Pikachu and Riley with furrowed eyebrows.

“Why are you-”

“I  _ don’t know! _ ” Ash hissed before placing his hands over his mouth. The floor wobbled underneath him. Why won’t this end?  _ Why won’t it end? End already! _

Silent tears poured down Ash’s face. He choked. Riley gritted his teeth as Ash coughed so hard that they could see drops of blood on his hands. 

_ Lysandre Lysandre Lysandre Kalos- Now- No- Kalos- Why why why- _

“Ash Ash Ash,” Ash babbled to himself, “You have to- ohArceusohArceusohArceus...”

When Riley stepped towards Ash, Pikachu sparked at him, shaking his head. “...Hey Ash, it’s going to be alright, hear me?”

Ash stared at him as if it was the first time he noticed Riley was there. “You have to go. Pikachu, you too. It’s not safe. Something bad’s about to happen. It’s going to-” He gulped for a few breaths. “Oh Arceus I’m going to drown, I’m gonna die, why am I like this, why is this happening, why did I end up-” His aura spiked outwards, causing Riley to step back. “I’m sorry- Why am I such a- What happened to- I don’t know I don’t know I just  _ don’t know _ what- why- what if-  _ why can’t I breathe? _ ” 

“Uh…” They both fell silent. Pikachu glanced back at Ash, giving a small coo.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry,” Ash muttered through his tears. “I’m going to lose control, I’m actually going crazy, I’m-”

“You’re not.” Ash froze. Riley reassured, “It’s going to be alright, Ash. You’re not going to die. You’re not going crazy.” Ash’s aura lashed out in response, causing Ash to wince. “And you won’t lose control, I promise. I’m right here-”

“I might hurt you!” Ash hiccuped, leaving scratches on his arms. “It’s unsafe- I’m so-” He took a sharp breath, nearly choking once more. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m  _ sorry _ .” 

_ Why am I like this? You’re gonna- Am I having a- I’m actually- Faint- Don’t- You can’t! Why would they? Please- He knows- You’re so- He hates- Be  _ **_normal_ ** _ , Ash! He’s- What was- Is that- Stupid stupid stupid! Of course- Ash you’re such- Useless- Weak- Worthless- Don’t be- You can’t- Stop stop stop! You’re  _ _ embarrassing _ \-  _ No wonder everyone is- Don’t freak don’t do it please don’t I’m sorry- Disappointment- Idiot- Fool- Not good enough- No one wants to- Why does anyone- AHHHHH! _

Like a flip of a switch, Ash’s face goes blank. “Sorry you had to see that. I was feeling a little stressed. I didn’t mean to freak you out.” His heart still raced. His hands were still clammy. He still felt the world was about to end. But he only felt numb. “I’m alright now, you can leave.”

Pikachu shook his head, pulling at Riley’s pant leg. Riley only stayed silent.

_ He knows, doesn’t he. Didn’t I already think that? Ash, you can be so dumb at times. Don’t you dare freak out again oh Arceus your arms are twitching again- Is that your heart throbbing in your ear- breathe, Ash! Stop being such a failure- oh Arceus oh Arceus not again you’re such a burden you’re gonna die no one loves you- Can you stop- Ash, stop! You don’t m- You should know better than- No no no not again don’t-  _

“Just because whatever  _ that _ was is over doesn’t mean you’re alright!” Riley yelled, his aura immediately turning guilty. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be freaking out. I was just… scared for you.”

Ash’s aura lashed out with guilt as well, his eyes lined with tears. “Sorry. You shouldn’t pity me.” Pikachu hissed at Ash before anxiously patting Riley’s pant leg.

“What?” Ash blankly stared off. Riley sighed. “I’m not pitying you. I care for you!”

Ash blinked. “Why? You’re just saying that, aren’t you? We don’t know each other that well.” A wave of horror slammed into him, followed by another wave of overwhelming affection. “...I still don’t believe you,” he gasped out.

“I- It’s not over, is it?” 

Ash dejectedly glanced away, wiping his eyes. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to deal with me.”

“Ash, stop-”

“I’m actually the worst person-”

“That’s not, logical?”

“I  _ know _ ! But I can’t stop! I’m sorry!” 

“Then logically, you shouldn’t try to stop it?” Riley asked, blinking when Ash chuckled, wobbling on his feet. Riley glanced at Pikachu, who licked his paw, nodding. He stepped forward, hands hovering over Ash’s shoulders. “Can I...?”

“Yeah. Please.” Pikachu climbed onto Ash’s shoulder and took Ash’s cap before hopping off.

Riley hugged Ash. Ash would have teared up once more if his face and skin weren’t completely parched from crying. Burying himself under Ash’s cap, Pikachu gave Ash a thumbs up.

Riley’s comforting aura engulfed Ash like a weighted blanket. And so, they waited it out. 

Only after a couple of minutes does Ash finally begin to calm down. He slumped against Riley. “I’m not dead?” 

“...You’re not.” Pikachu shook his head in agreement.

Ash sighed, totally drained. “I want to go to sleep again.” Riley’s eyes flickered with realization, stepping back. “I’m sorry, it’s never been this bad before.” Ash ran a hand over the goosebumps on his arms, wincing. 

“‘Before’? You’ve gotten help?” Ash’s guilty aura told him otherwise. Ash blinked at Riley’s exasperated but worried aura. “Ash!” Riley also glared at Pikachu, who guiltily curled under Ash’s cap.

“I feel those flashbacks but I don’t… remember them, very well. So I thought it didn’t matter-” Ash shivered uncontrollably, nearly collapsing once more if it wasn’t for Riley supporting his waist. “I really didn’t think this would happen. Normally it happens when there are lots of sights and sounds. I did not expect this- I said that already, didn’t I.” He awkwardly laughed, scratching at his arms once more.

“Can you stop-”

“It doesn’t matter, alright? My aura heals them anyway, no problem.” 

Riley loosely gripped Ash’s arms, shaking his head. “But they still hurt, don’t they?” Ash fell silent, wetting his dry lips. Riley glanced off, mumbling, “I’m actually going to kill Steven. How inconsiderate is he to let you go like this?”

“They don’t know.” 

Riley froze. He gaped at Pikachu when he nodded. “You- Ash, you’re so young, you shouldn’t have to deal with this, much less  _ alone _ ! No one should… We’re going to a therapist after this.”

Ash yawned, dismissively waving Riley off. “There’s nothing wrong-”

“There doesn't need to be something wrong for you to get help!” Pikachu blinked, ears perking up from beneath Ash’s cap.

“...Can we not talk about this?” Ash’s voice was hoarse. Almost as if he was still struggling to breathe.

Riley sighed, ruffling Ash’s hair. “Can I ask what you’re going to do after this though?”

Ash held out a finger. “Sleep for the entire day and night.” He held out another finger. “Nap for a few more hours.” He held out another finger. “Force myself to stay awake but still feeling tired for the next few days.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m not looking forward to my aching muscles and feeling sick and always being cold and-” Riley embraced Ash once more, aura overwhelmingly caring. “You really want me to cry, huh?” Pikachu padded over, nuzzling Ash’s leg and cooing reassuringly.

After a few moments of hugging, Riley cupped Ash’s dry face. “You need to drink more water-”

“I know I know,” Ash muttered, glancing off. “Please don’t tell me I  _ need _ to drink more water though.” Riley winced when Ash shrugged. “Trust me, I’m going to cough it all back up.”

“Noted. Anything else I could do to help?” Ash’s startled aura made Riley smile weakly. “I’m not joking. Ever since we met, I’ve cared so much for you, Ash.”

“Well you can’t exactly ‘care’ my traumas away,” Ash flatly said, brushing Riley’s hands away. Pikachu patted Ash’s leg, chirping at him.

“No, but I could care for you through it and with it. What’s more important is loving you for you, not what you’ve been through.”

Running a hand over his face, Ash sighed. “I’m not rested enough for this. You reminded me, actually-” he glanced down at Pikachu “-we should go on a vacation. To a beach.” 

“I recommend Alola then.” Riley grinned. “They’ve got steel regional forms for the Diglett and Sandshrew lines, so I’ve heard. Oh oh! Sandsl- _ ash _ , it’s meant to be!” Pikachu excitedly nodded, climbing back onto Ash’s head and pumping his fists up and down.

Ash grinned back. “Who knows, maybe there are steel typed legendaries and mythicals there too. Maybe new steel typed rare pokemon from another dimension!” They all gave a small chuckle.

“It’s getting late, and you need rest anyways. Come on.” Riley reached a hand out to Ash. Pikachu grinned at them before leaping back onto the ground with a victory sign.

Ash held Riley’s hand like a toddler trying not to get lost within a crowd. “And about your question? Reassuring me I’m safe and that this would all pass works for me.”

Riley nodded, nudging Ash forward. “It’s going to be alright, Ash. And you’re always welcome back here.” Pikachu chirped gratefully, patting at Ash’s leg before walking side by side with Riley.

“Jeez, are you that desperate for me to be an aura user?” Ash joked.

Rolling his eyes, Riley admitted, “It  _ would  _ be nice if you joined me for aura meditation...” Ash chuckled, leaning against Riley. He blinked when Riley scooped him into his arms before yawning and being lulled to sleep by Riley’s steady breathing and heart rate. “We’re still going to a therapist though.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this!](https://ao3gangficprompts.tumblr.com/post/190936855703/counterpunches-whumpster-dumpster-character)  
> Random trivia: “pins and needles” is a type of paresthesias


End file.
